Look Forward; Not back...

Look Forward; Not Back..... 

Look Forward, that is what I have to learn to do, and not look back... I am leaping off a steep cliff, into a vast unknown, I am scared, the only for sure thing is I know that Jehovah won't let me fall uncontrollably.... he is going to be the wind beneath my wings and allow me to soar into a happy future, no matter what the odds of my Lupus becoming aggressive again are. 

This week as a lot of people but not everyone knows, the Lupus Trial Study Drug that I have been on, that has allowed me to regain most of my life back, with limitations, has been recalled, our trial has ended abruptly and without much notice, I took my last injection on Monday, was called by my doctor's office on Tuesday.... I never realized how those words would affect me....till this week. 

I have regained my courage... regained my independence... regained a lot of me that LUPUS took away from me... when I walked into the doctor's office the first week of July 2011, and I was afraid there was nothing more that they could do for me to help me, and "Philip" my doctor and I are on first names basis since over a decade ago: " I have just been approved to do another drug trial study for Eli-Lily and it is a perfect one for you, similar to the one that I wanted to start you on in February, but couldn't since you had pleurisy and your primary had put you on steroids.... I need to go to training for it, but hopefully we can have you qualified and started by mid week next week, I took my first injection on July 6th, 2011, the improvement started slowly, but over the first six months we had noticed a big change, and since then I have regained much of me back, that I had thought was lost forever.... 

Today, I sit here, after an emotional roller coaster week, and am going to Look Forward; not back.... I am as close to a remission as I am ever going to be, and I can't allow this setback in my treatments set me back.  

Here's praying to Jehovah, that I will be able to maintain, I have tried to eliminate much stress in my life this week, I am trying to eliminate some major debt monthly, by selling one piece of personal property and paying off my mortgage, in doing so, I have created a friction in my home with my hubby, but Jehovah will help me to smooth that over as well, we are in this for the long haul, not the short run, ... at least that way if I do get sicker and die, then he won't have to worry about our financial situation, it will have been resolved by that time.  I am so praying that in the meantime, I have lessened the stress level in my life, and I can keep from falling into a bad LUPUS Flare..... 

I thank Jehovah for all the blessings I have daily.... and remember that without him, I am nothing and with him, I can conquer everything....<3 

Here's to a peaceful weekend for all, and much love to everyone....<3

Fall arrives and so does sad memories.

Arrival of Fall brings sad memories for me... 

Our mother will have laid down to rest 20 years this month, I miss her so much, as I am sure my siblings do.  My mom, was always my source of strength, I think it was because I loved her so much and always wanted to make her so proud of me.  

She got sick in August and died in October, a very short battle with the hereditary lung cancer she died of.  

I am so glad I managed to have 30 years with her, and I miss going to her house when I couldn't sleep and helping her quilt all night, when she couldn't sleep, guess I just inherited her migraines and insomnia.  Possibly the Lupus as well, she was being tested for Lupus about a year before they found her cancer... she wasn't positively diagnosed, because her ANA was always lower, so they didn't confirm it.  As I know now, that doesn't rule out Lupus, because for the first three or four years I was diagnosed, my ANAs were very low, except for when I had my strokes, then it was sky high..... 

I so wish my mother was here... to share a cup of coffee with, go to a quilt show with, quilt the night away with, to take flowers to, to go eat chinese food with, ... 

Leona Mae (Ray) Storm, I love and miss you so much, with every breath I take, I thank you for bringing me into this world, I just wish you were still here to share it with me....