Fibrofog...
It is hard to deal with memory loss even if it is just loss of concentration, or if it is periods of time that you can't remember, what is sad though is when you have this thing called Fibrofog, or Brainfog, some times you can get this even when you don't have Fibromyalgia, but mine started a while back before I got to WA state, but it was fully explained to me by a good Rheumatologist out there, he is the one that found my Fibromyalgia, too bad he didn't discover I had Lupus too, that didn't get discovered until much later, but in 1996 I started seeing a doctor, in Olympia, WA, and he found that I was suffering from something very real, and very dangerous if you ignored it.
I was a single mom, had just lost my mother in October of 1994, major move to WA from TX and dealt with the death of my marriage. That was a whole other story to be told later, back to the fibro-fog.....it is where you can't remember where you put things, you look for them for hours and then you find they were right in front of you the whole time.
You forget to do things, you forget that the water bill was due yesterday and cut off is today until the little guy from the water dept. walks up and knocks on your door, to give you a friendly reminder before he shuts it off. I liked that kid. I have gotten better though, in the past few years. You have to constantly battle forgetfulness, and some people will even call you a flat out liar, which devastates your very being and soul, You aren't lying, you just forgot.
What is worse is when you were paying a bill, or doing something that needed to be done, you thought you finished it, but then later some time later, discover you never finished it....wow, what a big mistake. That isn't good when you run a business.... but I dealt with it for years. Now I have a good secretary who writes things down on her desk and she tries to keep me on track.
Short term and long term memory loss is very hard to deal with especially when you were a very intelligent and independent woman all of your life, who always prided herself on being punctual, prompt and proper.
Lupus Confusion...
Now add Lupus to the mix... and it really all becomes interesting. Now not only are you forgetting from day to day, but now there are times you can't remember what you are supposed to do in a week or a month, you have missed doctors' appointments, missed deadlines, missed payments and days where you just don't want to get up and all you want to do is stay in bed and give up.....
You can't...
Strokes...mini...TIAs...and major....
Now it all just gets thrown in a big old bowl of unknown....look out what is flying around above your head, because something is gonna just come up and hit you smack in the face.
My husband doesn't know it, nine years later, but we started going out to eat all the time, because I literally forgot how to cook, now for somebody who used to pride herself in being able to follow a recipe and cook up anything in a recipe book, that was one of the hardest things for me to deal with after my first stroke. I lost memories, I forgot how to do things, what was sad is I knew I used to know how to do those things and did them all well....
What do you do, then a memory of what my doctor told me years ago when he diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia, You are a very determined young lady, you are the strongest woman I have come to meet in my entire life, and I am pretty old, I just can't picture you lying in a bed and giving into this or any other disease, I see you fighting it every day and every step of the way... YOU have a purpose, to touch lives, so therefore, I know you will draw strength from your faith and continue on to face whatever comes for many years to come... I have patients when they are told they have Fibromyalgia, that draw up inside themselves and stop living, I see you going forward and learning to control your diseases, not allowing them to control you.... WOW what a memory to regain in the midst of learning to even walk again without a cane....to cook again without burning water, to scramble an egg that is eatable, much less putting on an extravagant meal or desert like I can remember I used to make.
So I picked myself up, pulled up my big girl panties and started living all over again, 2005 was definitely a year of changes for me... I became severely disabled overnight, one day I was living it up, the next my whole right side was paralyzed from a stroke I had, sitting in the ER flat of my back not being able to talk so people could understand me good, I will never forget my only thought was of my son and my husband....who was gonna take care of them, Christopher had moved into a group home the month before, was scheduled to graduate from High School in just four weeks... what was I going to do.... so the doctor come in and explained about that new clot busting medication (good thing I had just watched an episode of ER, where a lady had just survived a stroke, because of that medication, or I may not have allowed them to give it to me) but the 3 hour window was closing fast to possibly reverse the effects of the stroke. I told him I wouldn't sign the release until I got to talk to my sister, Tanna who lived in TX. I was losing time, but finally the doctor asked me for her phone number and he dialed her from his cell phone. I wanted her to promise me that she would help take care of Christopher and allow Marco to go on as a single man without obligations, for her to go to see Christopher and make sure he was taken care of if I didn't survive this night...
She told me just sign the release and we will talk... I refused....she had to promise me first. Tears rolling down my face... She said of course Dorraine, I will help Marco take care of your things and get Christopher settled down. Now please sign the paper..... I did the best I could with my left hand, they gave me the medication, and it busted up the clot, but I laid flat of my back for three and a half more days in CICU Cardiac Intensive Care Unit. on the fourth day, they sat me up, and on the fifth day they moved me to a regular floor to start walking and moving on my own.
That began my long journey to learning to live all over again. Yes there have been major obstacles in my road, but with the help of Jehovah, I survive, endure, have patience beyond what I can even comprehend. I am at times so amazed at how much I have gone through and what I have been able to cope with in my life, but I am nothing without him and everything with him....for Jehovah our heavenly father is holding onto my right hand in his right hand and never allowing me to totter.....
One day I will look back at all of these things, and say man was that some ride. But look where it got me.
Hope all of you have a great day, <3
Dorraine
